All posts in category My Two Cents

Dating Is For Extroverts?

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extrovert: noun
1. Outgoing, gregarious person.
2. Psychology. a person characterized by extroversion; a person concerned primarily with the physical and social environment (opposed to introvert).

Characteristics
Extroverts tend to enjoy social settings, don’t like or need a lot of alone time, tend to thrive around people, and more.

Singles get a lot of advice.

One of the most common pieces of advice is that “you need to put yourself out there”.  Whether it’s…

  • Bars/clubs
  • Speed dating
  • Online dating
  • Going on a blind date, etc.

These activities are heavily slanted toward an extroverted personality.  Meaning, if you are shy and/or find it hard to meet new people, it may feel like a herculean effort to go to a coffee shop and make small talk with a stranger you met online.

In addition to that, if your past experiences with dating have felt less than successful, a quiet Friday night watching Netflix may be more appealing than going to another awkward single’s event.

I recently came across an article, Why Finding A Life Partner Isn’t That Simple, by Dr. Carolyn Kaufman. It was nice to be affirmed in the idea that dating is much harder than it looks.  Not to mention, she had some good ideas about how married/partnered people can help their single friends.  For example, a friend could offer to go to a social event with their single friends or simply just listen to their friend’s experiences without judgement.

If you’ve been discouraged by the dating scene, I would encourage you to read the article.  Sometimes it can help to know that you are not the only one struggling with singleness.

But as usual, I have my own two cents to add.

First, I want to reiterate…. dating is hard.  It’s often awkward and stressful. And it’s particularly difficult, the older you find yourself un-partnered.  It’s hard to not feel discouraged as the years go by.

And singles, especially Christian singles, don’t get a lot of good advice. Meaning, we don’t get a lot of practical advice.  How do you flirt? Who makes the first move? When do you define the relationship?  How do you vet/practice discernment? How do you embrace your sexuality in a God honoring way?

Too many times, we are told that God will just “work everything out” in His time.  What does that mean? What does that look like?  It kind of feels like a copout or wishful thinking. Few good things in life happen by happenstance. They are often won with a lot of “blood, sweat, and tears”.  And I don’t think relationships are the exceptions.

As far as the introverts, quasi-introverts, or discouraged people in the room, what can you do about the dating scene?

  • Do the same things, but do them differently
  • Consider strength in numbers
  • Look for low risk/rejection opportunities
  • Be open

Disclaimer: I realize that some of my suggestions may fall closer to the extrovert side of the personality scale.  However, on some level, dating involves getting to know new people.  So, although there may be ways to minimize discomfort, it’s impossible to take it away completely.

Doing The Same Thing
What are you currently doing in your life? Do you like to go to the movies, exercise, take classes, etc.? Could you change your environment? For example, if you go to the movies, could you go to a theater in the part of town where single, professionals are known to hang out? If you like to exercise, can you find a gym or workout group that has your age/educational demographic?

Strength In Numbers
If you find an activity that you want to do (e.g. dance, movie, etc.) can you ask some friends to go along with you (married or single)?  Are there singles groups that have regularly scheduled events in your area that you can go to?  For example, I recently joined a group that has weekly/monthly events.  Periodically, I can check to see what’s going on in my area and go to the event that I’m most interested in.

Low Risk/Rejection
If you are at a place in your life where you feel rejected by people, it may be helpful to try low risk events/social activities.  Perhaps you can volunteer in your community.  Most facilities will be grateful to have the help and will be welcoming.  Plus, it may enable you to meet like-minded individuals.

In addition, there are social events where you have to interact with people, such as dancing.  I used to swing dance.  The first hour would be spent learning the moves and the rest of the time would be used for dancing.  As far as the low risk/rejection, there’s a center, in my area, that has a policy that you should be willing to dance with anyone who asks. Obviously there are exceptions to this rule, but the intention is to provide an environment where people are friendly, open, and less likely to experience unwarranted rejection.

Be Open
You don’t have to be perfect (or socialize perfectly), but you may need to be open. You may need to be open to advice, doing things differently, having a change in perspective, trying something new, or etc.

All of us  have blindspots and may not see how we are “getting in our own way”. So, it may be helpful to hear the thoughts and opinions of friends and family from time to time. And it may be helpful to not lose hope (which can be easier said than done).

So, those are my thoughts. What are yours?

CS Woman

Photo by Artem Bali from pexels.com.

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by cswoman on August 11, 2018  •  Permalink
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Posted by cswoman on August 11, 2018

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Real Talk-Abstinence Is Impossible

Kiss

I recently had lunch with a non-Christian friend who was sharing the dating adventures of her nephew. As with most young adults, he is sexually active.

My friend, who has “seen some things” in her fifty plus years of life, was willing to concede that sex has “life-altering powers”. So much so, she cautioned her nephew to choose his bedmates wisely, since you [never know if that person could be the mother of your child].

Unfortunately, for him, he did not choose wisely.  And unfortunately, he is now tethered to a woman that he doesn’t really like because she is his baby mamma.

As the conversation went on, she stressed the importance of sexual discretion for him and other young people.  However, she felt that abstinence was completely off the table.

I thought it was interesting that she felt that he would have the ability to exert self-control regarding his partners. But she felt that forgoing sex until marriage was/is impossible.  Which  got me thinking…

It wasn’t that long ago that singles were expected to save sex for marriage or at least for engagement.  And believe it or not, there are still some cultures/communities that expect singles to abstain from sex.

So perhaps the real issue is not that abstinence is impossible. Perhaps, the real issue is that it’s hard and most of us don’t think it’s a route worth pursuing.  After all, it’s hard to commit to an ideal that you don’t really believe in, especially in a culture where sex is the norm for any “healthy adult relationship”.

But to prove a point, abstinence is not impossible.  Me and others like me, prove every day that it’s possible.

I’m not a saint.  I’m not repressed. And I’d like to believe that I’m not hopelessly, socially awkward.  I’m just a woman who believes that sex is meant for a committed, marital relationship. And since I’m not married, I don’t have sex.

Real talk…What does it mean to be a normal, healthy Christian single who chooses to not have sex? It’s hard. And at times it feels unfair.

There are men that I dated, in the past, where I knew that the “price of admission” would mean being sexually active.  So, I chose to end things.

As the years have gone by, I would be lying to say that there haven’t been times where I’ve wondered if I could have been married by now had I chosen to stay in those relationships.  I could have been someone’s wife and perhaps someone’s mom. But, that didn’t happen.

For certain, I don’t have a crystal ball, so I will never know what could have been. But when it comes to being a mom, it’s hard to feel like the “choice” to become a parent is slowly being taken away from me. (I say choice because there are many couples who struggle with infertility. And yes, there is adoption, but I do not wish to consciously become a single parent.)

To that end, others could argue that the quality of my marriage to these hypothetical husbands could have been poor.  Maybe, but maybe not. We have all heard of stories of Christian singles who didn’t do things “God’s way” and now have happy marriages and families.

But that’s not my point.

If you want to give older Christian singles an incentive to “do the right thing”, there has to be a more nuanced conversation about sexuality.

I think on some level, it boils down to “what is the meaning of life”. 🙂

Meaning, is there a God?  Is there structure/order? And if so, what does that mean?

I can give you knee- jerk Bible responses, but everyone has to come to their own conclusions about who God is and what role He plays in our lives.

If God is the author of sex and if the Bible is the rule book, am I willing to surrender all areas of my life to Him even if the road isn’t easy?

And for those of us who choose to wait (whether as virgins or not), what does it mean to be a sexual being? (Sexuality is a part of who we are even if the act is something that we choose to not do.) Perhaps acknowledging our sexual desires is a step in the right direction, as opposed to pretending that they don’t exist. And perhaps part of the journey is reaching out to God and trusted friends/family to encourage and guide us in our times of weakness.

I do not have all the answers.  I don’t know how my story will end.

I hope that I will get married someday and perhaps have a family. But for now, I wait.

Some days I am frustrated, angry, and bitter. But thankfully, I don’t feel that way all of the time. So, for now I live in the tension of what I hope for in the midst of accepting my present reality as I seek to honor God with my body (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).

What about you? Do you think abstinence is possible, worth striving for? Why or why not?

-CS Woman

Photo by Rosie Ann from  pexels.com

 

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by cswoman on July 7, 2018  •  Permalink
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RESPECT

gentleman

So the pizza guy…

About a month ago, I gave my number to a guy that I wasn’t interested in. (I did it because I was caught off guard when he asked me for it.) I figured, I’d exchange a few awkward, polite attempts at conversation and then wait for the opportune time to let him know that I wasn’t interested.

But, there was no need.

This potential “potential” came to a close very fast. Turns out his go to move, on getting to know strangers, is to send “hotline bling” texts in the middle of the night.

Perhaps I’m getting old and this is what “the kids are doing these days”.  But that was completely unexpected.  Our conversations up to that point were centered around pizza toppings and Doctor Who. So, I’m not sure where he got the idea that I was open to a one-night stand. But I guess you don’t know, if you don’t ask?

So, like I said in my “Just Say No” post, everyone who expresses an interest in you, does not deserve a chance. If you have reasons to believe that someone isn’t a romantic fit, don’t be afraid or guilty to go with your gut and decline the offer.

It’s okay to have standards. And it’s okay to have expectations of what you are looking for in a relationship.

And for the love of all things holy, don’t cast your pearls before swine-Matthew 7:6. Or said another way, don’t waste your time on people who don’t respect you.

And in keeping with the Meghan Trainor theme from the previous post, I leave you with No Excuses.

Pizza guy-“Why you acting like you never met a lady?…You must’ve confused me with someone else. There ain’t no excuses, babe. Your mamma raised you better than that.”

-CS Woman

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by cswoman on June 24, 2018  •  Permalink
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Jeremy Lin Is One Cool Dude

(I’m a little late to linsanity, but in my defense I don’t follow sports.)

So, I was perusing the black hole of the internet, a.k.a. YouTube, and I stumbled upon an openly Christian NBA player named Jeremy Lin. His story is both unique and inspiring.  He’s a Chinese American man who’s been able to make a name for himself in the highly competitive world of professional sports.

Just like another man of Asian (part Asian) descent, Tiger Woods, he’s wedged his way into an elite section of society where few have gone before.  The uniqueness of his success has challenged the perception that Asian Americans can’t play ball/do sports to the same level of other ethnic groups.

But regardless of how cool it is that Jeremy Lin challenges stereotypes, what’s even cooler is his willingness to use his platform to share his faith.  He often credits God as his motivation for excellence, while seeking out opportunities to help various communities.

I can’t imagine the level of scrutiny, pressure, and temptation that comes with being in the public eye, but Jeremy seems to handle it with grace.  So, he seems like a pretty cool dude in my book. 😊

So…

The question that may be on your minds is how did I end up in a Jeremy Lin vortex in my “suggested videos” on YouTube? As a minority, I find it interesting to listen to the stories of other ethnic groups and to hear about their experiences in this “melting pot” we call America.

Growing up, I thought that people of Asian descent fit seamlessly into society. (After all, they were considered the “model minority” and the stereotypes surrounding them were way more favorable than the stereotypes surrounding my community-the black community.) However, through friends and acquaintances that I’ve made, I’ve come to realize that this is not always the case.

I’ve come to realize that some of the same frustrations that I’ve experienced, other ethnic groups have experienced them too. And specifically, in the world of romance, it appears that Asian men can get the short end of the stick. In fact, some people feel that Asian men are often emasculated in American society, especially when it comes to how they are portrayed in various forms of media.

For certain, when it comes to attraction, I understand that interracial dating/marriage is not for everyone.  However, I question the idea of dismissing entire groups of people under the guise of preference.

Is it possible that we are excluding potential mates due to preconceived notions and stereotypes? Perhaps there are really cool, attractive, god-fearing people all around us, but we are blind to them because they don’t come in the packaging that we were expecting/ hoping for?

And perhaps when one references “The American Standard of Beauty”, it’s easy to feel that one is attacking Eurocentric phenotypes.  However, is there something to be said for how minorities are portrayed in the media?  Is it possible that consistent undesirable portrayals, of certain groups of people, cause us to unconsciously and consciously feel negatively towards those groups?

Think about it.  It’s kind of hard to be attracted to someone that you’ve been taught to fear, dislike, or think of as “other”.

So as my post comes to an end, I leave you with a few videos.

  • Kevin Kreider-He is a personal trainer who shares his frustrations about the portrayals of Asian people in media.
  • Jeremy Lin- The first video is about his charity work in Hualien. In this video, he shares about the importance of his faith and how it motivates him. The second video is a satirical “how- to” guide of how to fit in with NBA players.

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by cswoman on June 17, 2018  •  Permalink
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Posted by cswoman on June 17, 2018

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Real Talk-Giving Up

White_Flag

Marriage is a beautiful thing, but is there a point when the hope of marriage becomes a burden?

Is getting married and having children the only acceptable, meaningful path for adult life?

Is that the only “happy ending”?

At what point do you accept that your life looks different from your peers and different from the image of what you thought it was going to be?

At what point do you accept your reality?

When I was in my mid 20’s I wrote a song about waiting for my husband called “Missing You”. I never would have imagined that 15 years would go by and I would still be “missing” that part of my life.

So at what point do you let go of something, so that you can grieve a loss and move on? Because I’m not sure that I want to spend another 15 years of my life hoping for marriage.

I’m not saying that marriage and/or children is an impossibility, but I am saying…

…I am getting older and the possibility of having a child of my own is getting less and less.

…I am saying that I have to find a way to define myself that goes beyond what I “lack”. (And that’s not easy to do in a world where being partnered is the norm.)

I don’t have all the answers. But maybe I want to make a choice rather than living my life by default.

Maybe I want to go dancing to dance, take a class to learn something, meet new people to have fun instead of doing these things to meet a guy…to meet “the one”.

Maybe I want to be free from the “burden” of living in the shadow of hope.

Marriage is not guaranteed.

And if singleness becomes a lifelong destiny can I live with that?

Can I live that story? Can I be happy in that narrative?

-CS Woman

Image from  pexels.com

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by cswoman on May 26, 2018  •  Permalink
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Posted by cswoman on May 26, 2018

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Thou Shalt Be Entertained

Entertained.Youth2

Media. It’s everywhere.  From the grocery store to the doctor’s office, we are exposed. Exposed to ideas and philosophies.  Many of these ideas give us cues for what is socially acceptable or normal. However, God says….

Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.  Isaiah 5:20

Is it possible that the messages that I’m receiving through the media are “putting darkness” for light?

During my Bible reading, I came across the 10 commandments.

  1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
  2. You shall not make idols.
  3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
  4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
  5. Honor your father and your mother.
  6. You shall not murder.
  7. You shall not commit adultery.
  8. You shall not steal.
  9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
  10. You shall not covet.

If I’m honest, a lot of music, magazines, television shows, movies, etc. encourage me to do the exact opposite of these commands.  For example, I was watching a family show where one of the main characters was justifying his desire to commit adultery because he needed to [follow his heart and embrace his truth].  And of course, the story line was written in such a way that I felt compelled to sympathize with the character’s plight.  However, as a Christian, is there ever a situation when adultery is okay? According to God, the answer is no.

When it comes to media, perhaps we are facing a great spiritual battle in regards to our hearts, minds, and desires. Through the guise of a catchy lyric or an entertaining plot line, how often are we exposing ourselves to lies?

…Did God really say? …Will you surely die? (Genesis 3)

Some may say that they are not affected by the media, but I would argue that God makes it clear about the power of our thoughts and influences:

  •  Luke 6:45-A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
  • Galatians 6:7-9– Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
  • Philippians 4:8– Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble…think about such things. 

I’m not saying that one has to completely disengage from the culture. However, I am questioning the role that entertainment has in my life.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m voluntarily bringing evil into my life and allowing my heart to be consumed with messages that are anti-God. And I’m wondering if entertainment is an opportunity where the enemy can plant seeds for sin.

Consider:

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving…8 Live as children of light…10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:3-11

What does it mean to live as children of light?

What does it mean to have nothing to do with fruitless deeds of darkness?

Is a song just a song if it encourages me to have sex outside of marriage?  Is a movie just a movie if it encourages me to seek out revenge or makes murder look cool?

Perhaps it’s time to recognize that we are engaged in a spiritual battle for our hearts and minds and take that into consideration when it comes to our entertainment choices.

What do you think?

 

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by cswoman on May 27, 2015  •  Permalink
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Posted by cswoman on May 27, 2015

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When Life Hands You Leftovers…

Lately, I’ve been wondering if I’ve been “waiting for lightning“. Waiting for some miraculous sign that life is going to change for the better.

Instead of actively engaging in the world around me with passion and skinned knees, I’m just…waiting.

Waiting and receiving life’s “leftovers”.

It’s like I’m trapped in a cage, hoping for someone to open the door. But all the while, the key is sitting on floor. All I have to do is find the courage to pick up the key and leave.

The choice is mine.

I can move towards freedom or cling to my fear. My fear like an familiar ache that leaves me tense and paralyzed.

The choice is mine.

I don’t want to waste my time,  living a life of mediocrity while clinging to leftovers.

I want to live.

I want to live a life of meaning and purpose, not squandering the fleeting remains of my youth in a cage.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”-Reinhold Niebuhr

*I’ve been on a hiatus as I wrestle through some issues in my life (work, relationships, health, etc).

As time permits, I hope to share snippets of my journey in the future.  We’ll see. 🙂

However, my current theme song, as I wrestle with my struggles, is “Run Wild”.

I hope we all can have the courage to run wild/live free/and love strong.

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by cswoman on February 5, 2015  •  Permalink
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Posted by cswoman on February 5, 2015

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Road Rage

If I’m honest, I’ve had my moments of frustration trying to navigate the perilous terrain of the big city. 😉 Dealing with people who drive too fast/too slow, fail to use their turn signals or take forever to change lanes, does not encourage the better parts of my nature.

However, it’s good to be reminded of the importance of being on one’s “best behavior” even when one is behind the wheel of an automobile. So, I present to you, Disney’s Motor Mania.

Enjoy.

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by cswoman on May 5, 2014  •  Permalink
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Posted by cswoman on May 5, 2014

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Thou Shalt Get A 2nd Opinion

Medicine

Modern day medicine is awesome. And because of it, miracles are performed daily. However, when it comes to finding a diagnosis or treatment plan for whatever ails you, a person can find themselves falling through the cracks. I should know, because that’s what happened to me.

Over the last few years, I’ve been struggling with a condition called uterine fibroids. In case you are not familiar, uterine fibroids “are noncancerous growths of the uterus that often appear during childbearing years.” mayoclinic

I’m not going to get into too much detail about this experience other than to say, that these things can wreak havoc with a woman’s reproductive system. And make life painful and frustrating.

So, why am I sharing this experience?  I’m sharing it because I had a doctor who told me that my fibroids were “nothing to worry about”.  And to be fair, when I was first diagnosed, 6 years ago, her claim was true.  However, most doctors employ a method called “watchful waiting“, which include doing yearly tests to see if/how the fibroids are growing.  Unfortunately, in my case, my doctor was just waiting.

So about 2 years ago, I started to notice that my stomach was getting larger. At first I thought my growing girth was the result of a declining metabolism, but then I started to notice that my stomach was actually sloped and becoming rock hard even as it got bigger. In fact it was getting so large, I thought about buying maternity clothes, since I couldn’t stay in a pant size. In addition, I found myself becoming increasingly lethargic and needing to make frequent trips to the restroom. (Fibroids push on your bladder.)

Long story short, because of my increasing symptoms and my then gynecologist’s indifference, I started shopping around for a different doctor.  I even traveled to a different city (4 hours away) to find a specialist.

After a lot of prayer and research, I found my current doctor (in the city where I live) and was able to have a myomectomy (removal of uterine fibroids) a few weeks ago.  It turns out my “nothing to worry about” was actually something to worry about. My current doctor ended up removing 24 fibroid tumors of varying sizes. 

So, the moral of the story is… if you find yourself in a medical situation and you think something is up, but your doctor doesn’t, don’t hesitate to get a 2nd opinion.  No one is infallible and it’s possible that the doctor, you are seeing, is not skilled in your specific health issue.

Either way, there’s no harm done. Getting a 2nd opinion will either confirm your suspicions (which could provide an opportunity for treatment) or it may confirm that there really is “nothing to worry about”.

-Stay healthy 🙂

CS Woman

Ps. I’m glad I had a myomectomy and my recovery is going well thanks to the help of my amazing family, friends, and doctor.

Image from  FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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by cswoman on February 12, 2014  •  Permalink
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Posted by cswoman on February 12, 2014

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Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20

This. [The time to help a person work on their marriage is before they get married.]

It’s so much easier to build a strong, healthy foundation from the beginning.  But it is so much harder to fix a broken one once the “house” is already built.

Let us not miss out on the opportunity to develop wholeness and/or healthy, God honoring relationships during the single years.

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by cswoman on September 17, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by cswoman on September 17, 2013

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