Nice Guys Finish Last?


Recently, a friend introduced me to a guy via e-mail. (Full-disclosure: I’m not opposed to being set-up.  I figure, “you never know”.) However, the online introduction didn’t go so well.  The man is single (obviously), Christian, has a good job, and possibly a really interesting backstory.  But to be honest, there was no “spark”.

It’s often said that nice guys finish last or that women want a “bad boy”.  However, I would argue that a healthy woman isn’t looking for a “bad boy”, but she is looking for a spark or at least a reason to carry on a conversation with a potential interest.

In short, being nice isn’t enough.

For example, I consider myself to be a hard worker.  But if I go on a job interview, it’s not enough for me to dress the part and smile.  I have to do my research and find a way to demonstrate my ability to do the job well. I kind of have to “sell” myself a little bit.

Certainly, no one wants to feel like they are on a job interview when they are on a date or meeting someone for the first time, but if you want to capture someone’s interest-especially a stranger, you may need to bring more to the interaction than the equivalent of a great smile and a nice suit.

So, if you are a “nice” person trying to capture someone’s interest-especially online, here are some tips…

  1. Don’t send a group photo.
  2. 1st impressions matter. Have a game plan.
  3. Learn the art of small talk.

My first introduction to this guy was with a group photo. In my opinion, if you want someone to know what you look like, sending a group photo of yourself is self-defeating.

Perhaps you could write some sort of caption such as I’m the 2nd guy in the red shirt, on the top row, second to the right.  But why not “press the easy button” and just send a photo of yourself?

Which leads me to the next point, 1st impressions matter. Your first impression doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should seem like you put in a little bit of effort into the introduction.

From my understanding, this guy saw a video of me playing guitar and decided that he wanted to be introduced. I don’t know the complete details of what led to the exchange,  but something sparked his interest enough to ask for my contact information.

But from the first introductory sentence, it became clear that he didn’t seem to have a “game plan”.  (Back to the job analogy… it’s kind of like applying for a job, but when the interviewer calls you, you don’t have anything to say.) So, our conversation from the start, felt awkward and strained.

Instead of asking me questions or sharing a witty anecdote or interesting fact about himself,  the conversation kept veering to some variation of “How’s your day going?”.

To be fair, asking someone about their day is a polite question, but it’s a poor question to ask if your intention is to get to know someone, which leads me to the next point.

Learn the art of small talk.

The simplest way to do this is to Be Interesting and Be Interested. It’s been said that if you can get someone to talk about something that they are genuinely interested in, they will have a lot to say.


What do you find interesting and what kind of interests does the other person have? If you are lucky, you might find out that you are both interested in the same things.  But if your only “go to move” on the conversational dance floor is asking someone “How’s your day?” You may never find out if you have anything in common.

To be fair, this guy is from another country, so perhaps there was a language/cultural barrier, but a person can never go wrong with simple questions such as…

  • Where are you from?
  • What do you do for a living? What do you like the least/most about your job?
  • Have you read any good books or seen any good movies lately?

And if you happen to know about some of their hobbies you can ask things like…

  • I heard you ran a 5k recently.  How long have you been running? Do you have any events that you’re training for? (Just be clear, I don’t run unless I’m being chased.)
  • I saw you play guitar.  You play well (compliment). How long have you been playing? Do you write your own music?  What inspires you?

Like a cliff-hanger at the end of the season finale, you want to find a way to create some type of momentum…suspense…a spark.

Attraction at the end of the day is about creating interest or at least a positive experience for the other person.  So, creating a scenario where the other person has to try to draw you out of your shell or come up with interesting questions, is not a great way to make a good impression.

So, I’m sure that this guy is nice, perhaps exceptionally nice.  But it would have been nice if he would have tried a different approach in attempting to bridge the gap with a stranger.

So, those are my thoughts.  What tips do you have when it comes to meeting someone new?

-CS Woman

Image from


Hear this-You Don’t Have To Be Perfect

Do you remember the saying-“Step on a crack and you’ll break your mother’s back”?

I do. I remember anxiously hopping and skipping over the thin lines of concrete trying to ensure the safety of my mother’s well-being.

I’m not sure when I stopped believing that my pedestrian choices had the ability to inflict medical calamity on those that I loved…


I still identify with the feeling that I need to execute my life decisions perfectly in order to ensure that my world will not implode.

Part of the reason that I have not written more is that I’ve been struggling with many areas of my life-faith, health, job (finally got a new one), avoiding stalkers, etc.

However, as I embark on the start of a new year, I’m learning to “not be so hard on myself”.

I’m learning that sometimes good enough is truly good enough.


Even if I don’t execute things perfectly, all I can do is my best.  God can/will pick up the slack.

So, if you need encouragement or just a reason to dance around in your living room, I leave you with the songs that have been on heavy rotation on my iPhone. They’ve been a reminder that I don’t need to be perfect and that it’s okay to have some dark days.

Happy Belated New Year!

-CS Woman

Hear This-Phil Wickham unplugged

Phil Wickham,

We need you to make an acoustic version of Children of God*. 

Please and thank you,

CS Woman

*I wrote this post 3 weeks ago and to my great delight I found out that Phil Wickham recorded a new acoustic album-Acoustic Sessions.


Hear This…one more thing

Last week I featured MuteMath.  In my search for clips, I stumbled upon the realization that their drummer has quite the cult following.

I’m not a percussionist, so I can’t fully appreciate the awesomeness that is Darren King, but I thought I’d feature some of his jams and some of my favorite songs from MuteMath that feature his skills.




Hear This-Monument of Love

The incremental rise of chocolates and strawberries in the grocery store serve to remind us that V-day (and my birthday) is almost upon us.

In the cacophony of saccharine sentiments during this time, it’s nice to have reminders of a lasting love.  It’s one thing to see bright-eyed, twenty somethings profess their declarations of affection, but it’s another thing to hear the stories of love that has stood the test of time.

MuteMath has some amazing songs about lasting love on their cd Vitals. The two songs that stick out to me are Light Up* and Monument.

I love the lyrics and the melody of Light Up.  In the song, the author is making a petition that in relationships, you need to “stick it out” even if the sparks have faded. For me, this song reminds me that love is choice. Specifically, I like the following lines:

Sometimes we just have to walk through the fire (the fire)
Just to see once more what has never shined brighter (shined brighter)

Don’t say enough, we’re not out of love
We just grew up having to find out that/Hearts go astray, sparks slip away
But I have to say, I still light up for you/For you, I still light up for you

Don’t let the tears undo the years/That got us here we traveled all this way (all this way)
And no matter how we sort it out/Know I’m for sure that you’re the one for me (the one for me)

*Since I’m loving the remix version of this song, I’m posting that here.

And Monument, specifically the video, chronicles a real-life narrative of a couple who embodies commitment. It’s a touching story and it is a reminder that lasting love is possible.

So, whether you are enjoying this season with a romantic someone or a platonic one, I hope that you are encouraged during this season and I hope that you have a Happy Valentine’s Day!


Making “The Cut”

The new year is here.  And with it comes the pressure to make radical, life-altering changes. Although, I don’t make resolutions, I want to continue to make choices that will keep me healthy. And in my quest for health, I’m looking for ways to be more physically active.

I enjoy lap swimming and water aerobics, but I also like to do workout videos.  Recently, I stumbled on a great series call “The Cut”. If you’ve ever had the desire to unleash your “inner crime-fighting, super-hero alter ego”, this video series may be for you.

It’s fast paced, lots of fun and can be done conveniently at home.  If  you check out the videos, let me know what you think. 🙂

And let me know if you have made any resolutions.


Hear This…

As a former music major and lifelong music enthusiast, I will admit that I’m a music snob. So, it’s always a pleasure to find a Christian musician who not only has “uplifting” content but is actually a good musician and lyricist too.

Meet Josh Garrels.

I realize that I might be a little late to the party, but I’m grateful that a friend tipped me to this guy.  And if you haven’t heard of him, you’re in for a treat.

A Foreign Affair

I think a lot of our ideas about attraction and “mating” are very specific to our culture.

Recently, I watched two documentaries on Netflix that gave me some food for thought about how we, as Americans, think about attraction and marriage.

Meet The Patels, centers around an Indian-American actor who is on the cusp of 30. According to his cultural expectations, this situation is unacceptable. So, after some thought, he agrees to let his parents intervene with his love life.  And ultimately, he agrees to a modern-day take on pursuing an arranged marriage.

What I found fascinating about the film was the idea, that marriage is such an important part of his culture and community, that the older generation didn’t leave partnering up to chance.  In addition, there seemed to be an intentional goal of passing on the traditions, morals, and values of previous generations.  It also appeared that this “rite of passage” was/is so important that people created a process to ensure that like-minded individuals could meet and marry each other. I also liked the fact, that the community was vested in making sure that the potential couple was vetted for compatibility, character, interests, etc.

Granted, I say this as an outsider to the Indian/Indian-American community, so I don’t have a grasp on the nuances of reality of this idea. But some of the concepts presented were interesting and compelling.

I grew up in the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” pandemonium, which although good intentioned, brought a lot of confusion and hang-ups to the single, Christian community.

To that end, there is a tendency for many singles to “date in a vacuum”, which is isn’t particularly beneficial.   I think there’s tremendous value in having the previous generation pour into our lives.  And I also think it’s very valuable to have married couples weigh-in on our dating decisions. Through this interaction, there’s an opportunity for people to share their mistakes, successes, and the tips that have helped them weather the storms of life in a partnership.  I feel that we need this knowledge and I wish it was more freely offered and given.

The other film (Love Me), profiled American men, who after various failed attempts at finding love in the States, decide to take a chance on a “mail-order bride” from another country. Yes, this concept is extreme and some of the men are “interesting”.  However, this film made me think.  It made me question the concept of attraction.  In fact, the saying “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure” comes to mind.

If we’re honest, there is some level of reciprocity in relationships. The value of  the”goods” is often determined by culture.  Meaning…what we find physically attractive, the amount of value that we place on physical desirability or the ability to provide, etc. is often determined by the society around us.

So, it was interesting to see men, who some would not find desirable in the US, being desired and valued elsewhere. Granted, I realize that the ideas presented in this film are complicated at best. (I am not advocating the mail-order bride arrangement.) However, it did make me think about my American concept of attraction.  Is it possible that I, we are missing out on good people because they don’t fit our preconceived notions of what is desirable in our culture.

What are your thoughts?  If you’ve seen the movies, weigh-in.  Even if you haven’t, what do you think about today’s approach to dating and marriage?

Meet The Patels


Love Me

Dating in the Digital Age

Just in time for the season of love…
I keep hearing statistics on how online dating has become a major player in the formation of nascent relationships. But, unfortunately, that has not been the case for me.

Although, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting educated, attractive men, who don’t live in their parent’s basement, I’ve yet to form a meaningful connection with someone I’ve met online.

However, in spite of my past experiences, every so often I yield to the siren song of “possibilities”. That is when I find myself dipping my toe into the cyber,social sphere of potential matches.

So, for the next few months, I am halfheartedly, “putting myself out there”. Because…”you never know”.

So, if like me, you find yourself sampling the singletons of the cyber-world, you may enjoy the following advice of Matthew Hussey.

To that end, feel free to share your own personal do’s and don’ts.

*I know that I’ve been MIA,but I hoping to get back on-line soon. 🙂

Thou Shalt Be Entertained


Media. It’s everywhere.  From the grocery store to the doctor’s office, we are exposed. Exposed to ideas and philosophies.  Many of these ideas give us cues for what is socially acceptable or normal. However, God says….

Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.  Isaiah 5:20

Is it possible that the messages that I’m receiving through the media are “putting darkness” for light?

During my Bible reading, I came across the 10 commandments.

  1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
  2. You shall not make idols.
  3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
  4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
  5. Honor your father and your mother.
  6. You shall not murder.
  7. You shall not commit adultery.
  8. You shall not steal.
  9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
  10. You shall not covet.

If I’m honest, a lot of music, magazines, television shows, movies, etc. encourage me to do the exact opposite of these commands.  For example, I was watching a family show where one of the main characters was justifying his desire to commit adultery because he needed to [follow his heart and embrace his truth].  And of course, the story line was written in such a way that I felt compelled to sympathize with the character’s plight.  However, as a Christian, is there ever a situation when adultery is okay? According to God, the answer is no.

When it comes to media, perhaps we are facing a great spiritual battle in regards to our hearts, minds, and desires. Through the guise of a catchy lyric or an entertaining plot line, how often are we exposing ourselves to lies?

…Did God really say? …Will you surely die? (Genesis 3)

Some may say that they are not affected by the media, but I would argue that God makes it clear about the power of our thoughts and influences:

  •  Luke 6:45-A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
  • Galatians 6:7-9– Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
  • Philippians 4:8– Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble…think about such things. 

I’m not saying that one has to completely disengage from the culture. However, I am questioning the role that entertainment has in my life.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m voluntarily bringing evil into my life and allowing my heart to be consumed with messages that are anti-God. And I’m wondering if entertainment is an opportunity where the enemy can plant seeds for sin.


But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving…8 Live as children of light…10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:3-11

What does it mean to live as children of light?

What does it mean to have nothing to do with fruitless deeds of darkness?

Is a song just a song if it encourages me to have sex outside of marriage?  Is a movie just a movie if it encourages me to seek out revenge or makes murder look cool?

Perhaps it’s time to recognize that we are engaged in a spiritual battle for our hearts and minds and take that into consideration when it comes to our entertainment choices.

What do you think?


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